


The Human Persuasion

by keresWings



Series: TPHverse [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sgrub Session, Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Interspecies Relationship(s), Multi, Petstuck, Reverse Petstuck, Unrequited Pale Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2017-11-28 18:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/677320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keresWings/pseuds/keresWings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a long day of Flarping, Vriska Serket finds two small humans - creatures prized by Alternian trolls as pets. Taking care of a human is definitely a new challenge, and Vriska isn't entirely aware of what she's just signed up for. Reverse petstuck AU. Sgrub- and Sburbless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is Vriska Serket and what the hell do you think you’re doing?

You are walking through the field of your latest Flarp session, where you have obviously blown everyone’s incompetence out of the water with how amazing you are, when you hear someone crying.

Your curiosity is aroused, and you go to see who it is. You pick your way through the rubble and turn a corner to find –

Two human grubs.

You have no interest in humans, especially not human grubs. Humans are just nasty little creatures that some trolls keep as pets – although why someone would want something as useless as a pet to be dependant on them is something you can’t quite understand. Besides, if these grubs are stupid enough to hatch in a place where a lusus can’t find them, then they don’t really deserve to be rescued. You turn to walk away – you have a lusus of your own to feed, after all – but hearing one of the grubs give a pitiful cry you turn back.

You glance around quickly to make sure no one is watching you, and you scoop up the two grubs.

You have a feeling you’ve just signed up for something that will take all of Mindfang’s wits to handle.

 

* * *

 

Once you get back to your hive, you lay the two grubs down on your daybed and turn on your husktop. You ignore the flashing Trollian symbol and bring up your browser. With two human grubs sniffling quietly behind you, you start a search.

 

Search ==> humans

Such a basic search brings up way too many hits. You don’t even bother going through them. What do you need first … ?

 

 

Search ==> human food

A few less hits. You scroll down the first page and click on what looks like a credible site.

 

 

 

>  
> 
>  
> 
> Your new pet human will eat lots of different things! It will eat a lot of milder foods that you would eat – just make sure it’s well cooked, because humans are much more delicate and susceptible to diseases that may be in raw meat.

That seems simple enough. You can just let them eat off your plate. Satisfied, you go back to searching for how to care for humans.

 

 

Search ==> human gru8s

Huh. Twelve websites? That’s it?

 

 

 

>  
> 
>  
> 
> Humans in wrigglerhood are very strange. There is no human mother grub – instead, humans develop their wrigglers inside the bodies of the females. After a third of a sweep, the human grub emerges from the female.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Humans do not have a clearly defined stage in their life when they pupate. Instead, they will continue to get bigger, and will begin a stage called “puberty” when they are approximately 6 sweeps old. “Puberty” will mature the human into a suitable candidate for another human to pail with. This stage finishes after about two sweeps.

Wow, humans are so weird. It’s hard to suppress the shudder you want to make at the thought of having to grow a wriggler inside your body. You take a glance over at the sleeping humans. Judging from the pictures on the website, your two grubs are about three sweeps old, and you have acquired both a male and a female.

As if it could feel you staring at them, the male wakes up. He sits up and stares at you with big blue eyes under a mop of black hair. You make a mental note to do an internet search about the human hemospectrum later.

“Do you speak Alternian?” you ask, making your voice as gentle as possible so you don’t scare the wriggler.

He nods.

“Okay … Do you have a name?” you try.

He shakes his head this time. You stand up.

“You must be hungry,” you tell him.

 

“Yes, please,” he replies. You scoop up the still sleeping girl and take the male’s hand, leading him out of your respiteblock and down the stairs to the nutriblock.

* * *

Damn, but the little things can _eat_.

The female had woken up, and although her hair was similar enough to the male’s that you had though they might share an ancestor, her eyes are a beautiful shade of green that reminds you of your friend Kanaya.

You had let them loose in your nutriblock and gone back upstairs to retrieve your mobile husktop, and in the ninety seconds you were gone, the two humans had raided your cupboards and cooling device and everything that had contained food, and a bit of cutlery too. There was no way you could keep both of them.

After a bit more of playing click-the-link on the internet, you felt confident enough to call yourself a human expert.

Humans, you had learned, were prized as pets because of how docile and small they were. Even woofbeasts, the tamest creatures to be domesticated before the discovery of humans, were ferocious in comparison. In physical stature, even the tallest adults would only come up to about your shoulder. As it was, you were fit and strong from your nine sweeps of Flarping and fighting, and you didn’t even notice when one or both of the grubs climbed on your back, pretending you were a hoofbeast. Not that you minded, really. They were adorable little things.

Strangest of all, you thought, was the lack of hemospectrum. All humans had bright red blood, a mutant colour that would get any decent troll culled on sight.

You smile as the female bit into a cherry, her dull little teeth breaking into the skin. You really should name the humans, calling them “the male” and “the female” was starting to get boring. You bring up a new tab in your browser.

 

 

Search ==> common human names

The site that comes up is glittery and full of flashing gifs. It looks like someone had let Feferi have their way with it. You frown and squint at the assault on your eyes.

 

 

 

>  
> 
>  
>
>>  
>> 
>> HUMAN MALE NAMES!
>> 
>>   1. John!
>>   2. Billy!
>>   3. Jordan!
>>   4. Harry!
>>   5. Mike!
>>   6. Thomas!
>> 


You just take the first name you see. John. You think it’s a good fit for the male currently clinging to your back and watching the gifs with those big, impossibly blue eyes.

You click a link and it takes you to a similar page, but with female names.

 

 

>  
> 
>  
>
>>  
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> HUMAN FEMALE NAMES!
>> 
>>   1. Annie!
>>   2. Jade!
>>   3. Katie!
>>   4. Chelsea!
>>   5. Megan!
>>   6. Julia!
>> 


You glare at number one. Annie? It sounds like a weak name. You decide to go with the second one. Jade. The same colour as her eyes.

“Hey guys,” you say, and the male drops off your back and scampers over beside the cherry-stained female. “I think I found some names for you. John and Jade. What do you think?”

The male stares at you for a moment before poking the female. “Jade,” he says, and giggles.

The female pokes him back and starts laughing as well. “John.”

 

 

You smile. John and Jade were a great decision.

* * *

After clumsily refitting some of your clothes for John and Jade and playing with them until they got tired – damn, they are a handful – you put them to sleep in your daybed. The internet says that prolonged exposure to sopor is actually toxic to humans, and that sleeping on something soft like a couch or daybed is actually better for them. It seems a bit odd to you, but then, you’ve never really dealt with taking care of another species before. It was always your lusus who took care of you.

You’re thinking of how crazy it’s going to be in your hive now that you have two little wrigglers to look after when you hear Trollian ding on your mobile husktop. You reach over and grab it.

 

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has just signed into Trollian! --

You bring up Trollian. Karkat is the only other troll online. You give a mental shrug and think “What the hell” as you open up a chat box.

 

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]! --

AG: Hi Karkat!!!!!!!!  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT, SERKET?  
AG: Can’t a girl just say hello? ::::(  
CG: NO.  
AG: Haha, you caught me! I want to know what you’ve 8een up to l8ly.  
CG: WHY?  
AG: 8ecause if you’re not usually 8usy, I have a proposition for you that you can’t refuse!!!!!!!!  
CG: UHHH, NOT MUCH I GUESS? I MEAN, I’VE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF TROLL WILL SMITH’S MOVIES LATELY. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I’VE BEEN MARATHONING.  
AG: So nothing exceedingly strenuous, riiiiiiiight?  
CG: SURE? AG: Awesome! Hey, Karkat, would you like a pet human? ::::D  
CG: A WHAT?  
AG: A human!!!!!!!!  
CG: YES I UNDERSTOOD YOU THE FIRST TIME. WHY ARE YOU OFFERING ME A PET?  
AG: 8ecause I found two earlier today, 8ut I can’t keep them both, so I thought I’d offer you one!  
AG: Her name is Jade.

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] sent file thenewjadevantas.jpg --

AG: See? She’s a cutie!!!!!!!!   
CG: A JADEBLOODED HUMAN?   
AG: No, actually! All humans have this 8right red 8lood colour!   
CG: UH, WOW, REALLY?   
AG: Yeah! Their eye colour doesn’t tell you aaaaaaaanything!   
CG: FINE.   
CG: I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT.  
AG: Her, Karkat.  
AG: Jade is not an “it,” she’s a “her.”  
CG: ALRIGHT. JESUS.  
CG: I’LL TAKE CARE OF HER.  
AG: Excellent!!!!!!!!  
AG: You have made a wise decision, Karkat!  
AG: I’ll 8ring her over to your hive in the morning!

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CG: FUCK.

* * *

In the morning, you are woken up by little fingers poking at your face. You open your eyes to see that, somehow, John and Jade have climbed up the side of your recuperacoon and are now poking at your cheeks.

“Vriska,” says John, “we’re hungry.” You growl and roll over in the slime. You are definitely not an evening person.

“You know where the nutriblock is,” you grumble, “and you sure as fuck know how to get around in it.”

You smile a bit as you hear the soft sounds of squishy human butts sliding off your recuperacoon and their little feet pattering away towards the promise of food.

You’ve just sent two little hell raising humans to your nutriblock. Alone. Without supervision.

Your eyes snap open, suddenly wide away.

Shit.

You jump out of your recuperacoon and peel off the dried slime and get dressed as fast as you can, grabbing your glasses and running your hand though your messy hair. You heave a sigh of relief when you get to the nutriblock and see that Jade has made John sit down and eat like a civilized troll instead of trashing the kitchen like they did last time.

After you’ve eaten as well, you clean up the nutriblock, and your heart swells with pride as John jumps up to help you. You’re feeling very un-Serket-like with this pride and maternal instinct towards the tiny human. You figure this is how lusii must feel, taking care of wrigglers, and you think you like the feeling.

After the nutriblock is clean and all three of you are presentable, you scoop Jade up and balance her on your hip and you take John’s hand.

Time to go visit Karkat Vantas.


	2. Chapter 2

You show up at Karkat’s hive and let yourself in the door. Naturally, the overly loud troll is nowhere to be found. You don’t even hear his crab lusus scuttling around anywhere. You set Jade down and send her and John off to explore the hive, telling them to stay on the first floor and listen for when you call for them.

You delve further into the messy hive - ew, Vantas, way to be unhygienic - and eventually find him curled up in the block furthest from the hive entrance, engrossed in some sort of mass multiplayer online game.

“Hey, Vantas,” you say. He doesn’t hear you. “Vantas. VANTAS!”

Startled, the short troll jumps and yanks his headset, leaving what sounded like a heated argument over who was a bigger nooksucker.

“Flying shitfaced ancestors, Vriska,” he says, standing up. “You were bringing Jade over, right?”

You nod. “Yeah, and if you’re lucky, she’s only made a small natural disaster of your nutriblock.” You chuckle as his eyes go wide and he scampers out of the room as fast as his stubby legs will carry him. You walk after him, smirking and putting a smug swing in your hips.

You and Karkat find John and Jade in the nutriblock, just like you thought you would. Despite what you had told Karkat, they’re merely poking around, not actually eating anything.

“I thought you said I was only getting one,” Karkat mutters out of the side of his mouth at you. You laugh, gaining the humans’ attention. John runs up to you and you obligingly swung him up into your arms, chuckling at his dorky little teeth as he grins at you.

“You are,” you reply. “I couldn’t just leave John at my hive all by his lonely loner lonesome, now could I? That would make me mean.”

“You are mean,” Karkat snaps halfheartedly.

“Me? Never!” you say, placing a hand over your heart. “A Serket could never even hurt an undead. We’re much too kind.”

Karkat just watches your overdramatic display blankly. “Right,” he deadpans. He crouches down so he can be eye level with Jade. “Hi there,” he says, and you’re honestly kind of surprised he can take the harsh edge out of his voice. “I’m Karkat.”

Jade beams at him. “I’m Jade! You’re Vriska’s friend, right?”

“What the fuck is a friend?” He looks up at you. You just lift your shoulders in a shrug. “Sure, why not. I’m Vriska’s friend.”

That’s all the incentive Jade needs to cross the last few steps across the nutriblock and throw her arms around Karkat’s neck in a hug. He goes to impale the tiny human with his claws before he realizes she’s not attacking him and awkwardly hugs her back.

“You’re going to be staying with Karkat, Jade,” you say. The little human looks up at you, not breaking her grip around the other troll’s neck. Karkat fixes his arms around her so he can stand up, and she still doesn’t let go.

John taps on your horn to get your attention. “Why is Jade staying here?” he asks you.

You pet his head with a finger. “Because, spiderboy, I can’t take care of both of you, so Karkat’s going to help me with that.”

John nods, pleased with your answer. “Will I see her again?” he asks.

“Of course,” Karkat says. “I’ll send her over to Vriska’s hive to see you all the time.” He ignores your glare eightfold as John claps his hands happily.

You wave to Jade, still attached to Karkat’s neck, and make your way out of Karkat’s hive. “See you later, crabkat,” you call over your shoulder.

“Get out of my fucking hive, spiderbitch,” he calls back. You laugh as you slam the hivedoor shut with your foot.

 

 

* * *

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you have no idea what the everliving fuck you’ve just gotten yourself into.

Vriska has just left your hive and left you with this _thing_. It’s small and impossible to keep track of, and it can be loud when it wants to be, almost louder than you, which you had thought couldn’t be possible for something so small, but apparently oh yes it can. It’s also your pet now. You still can’t believe you got yourself saddled with a human.

Jade has followed you to your ablution block, where you are taking out your contacts. Your eyes turned bright red nearly a sweep ago, exposing the colour of your blood and forcing you to start hiding the colour of your eyes. You still keep the symbol on your shirt in grey though, simply for nostalgic reasons. Everyone now “knows” that Karkat Vantas was hiding his rusty blood behind grey anonymity. Of course, being known as a rustblood lower on the hemospectrum than Aradia Megido is better than being known as a mutant with blood like a human’s. That’s obviously what made Past Karkat make such a serious lapse in judgment. He felt sorry for a creature with blood as red as his own.

You look down at the human. Jade gazes back at you with those green eyes of hers.

“Why do you hide your eyes?” she asks. “They’re pretty.”

You snort. “Pretty doesn’t mean anything to trolls. This is the colour that will get me culled by anyone who knows about it.”

You make your way to your lounge block and flop down on the couch in front of your screen device and let Jade climb up your leg and into your lap. “I know the colour of your eyes and I don’t want to kill you,” she says reasonably. You fiddle with the remote for a moment before you answer her.

“That’s because you’re not a troll, Jade,” you say. You set the remote beside you and smooth down her hair. “Now let’s watch this new movie I got, shall we?”

 

 

* * *

 

You are now Vriska Serket and you’re currently carrying the happiest fucking creature on all of Alternia. How the hell is John just so constantly cheery? You set him down and let him run circles around you as the two of you walk home in the warm night. You’re still not sure how this crazy grub is going to affect your life.

You come out of your thoughts long enough to realize John is no longer in sight. For some weird reason, you panic.

“John?” you call out. “John! Where are you? JOHN!”

Thankfully, he comes running at your call. He looks scared, and when he reaches you he grabs a handful of the fabric of your trousers and pulls.

“Vriska,” he says, “there’s another troll coming and she’s scary looking.”

You bend down and curl an arm around him protectively, eyes flashing in the moonlight as you look in the direction John just ran from. Still clear. You push him towards some bushes in a random lawnring.

“Hide there,” you tell him. Just as he’s crawling into the brush and you’re standing up, a familiar face rounds the corner.

“Vriska!” Terezi Pyrope calls to you. “Haven’t seen you around lately!”

You stuff your hands in your pockets and grin at her. “Hey there, Pyrope,” you say. “And you haven't seen anything in sweeps.”

Terezi gives her signature screeching laugh as she reaches you. “You’re right there, Serket!” She leans forward and takes a deep sniff. “You smell strange.”

Your bloodpusher in your chest tightens in something you’d call fear if Serkets actually experienced fear. You know that Terezi is smelling John on you. But instead, you just shrug.

“I’m just getting back from Vantas’ place. I probably picked up five different diseases being in the general vicinity of that place,” you lie smoothly.

Terezi looks intrigued. “Vantas? As in, Karkat Vantas?”

“Uh, yeah? Do we know any other Vantas?”

“Is there anything you’re not telling me, Serket?” the blind troll smirks, tilting her red glasses down. “Anything … quadrant related?”

You laugh in her face and push at her shoulders. “As if! Vantas may be a sorry bulgemuncher, but I certainly don’t pity him that much!”

Terezi has a firm hold of the idea, though, and true to her prosecuting ways, she presses you for details. “Nothing flushed, perhaps, but what about,” her eyebrows do that crazy dance they do up and down her forehead, “caliginous?”

“Oh my God, Pyrope, has Gamzee finally gotten you to sample one of his pies? Karkat could never keep up with me, let alone provide me with enough of a challenge to make me even think he deserves half a spade!”

Terezi’s eyebrows refuse to calm down. “I’m sure I’m right, Serket. And I promise I’ll get to the bottom of this!”

You roll your eyes as she continues on her way. “Let me know how it goes,” you call after her. “You crazy bitch,” you add under your breath. When you’re certain Terezi’s far enough away, you call John out of his hiding place. He gratefully crawls into your arms, and you run the rest of the way home with the small human pressed to your chest, where your vascular pump is being stabbed with that strange, protective lusus-feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh God, I can't believe I spelled Terezi's name wrong, and consistently at that! Thank you to SilentLurker for point that out for me; I do believe I've fixed all the mistakes. This is what I get for writing in the middle of the night running on nothing but residue migraine.  
> EDIT: Thanks to cryptologicalMystic for pointing out another spelling mistake! It's been fixed (:


	3. Chapter 3

Your name is Terezi Pyrope and you are gloating.

You just ran into Vriska Serket and you had smelled a very interesting predicament. You had told her she smelled strange, which she tried to pass off as being at another troll’s hive. You have to give her props, because you have never been able to smell a lie on her, and that was no exception. But you know it was a lie because you had recognized the strange scent.

Vriska had smelled of a human.

You know the scent of human because you have your own. Your human is small little boy with white blond hair who likes to be called Dave Pyrope. Speaking of Dave, you can hear him standing on the balcony of your shared hive in the trees.

“Hey there, coolkid!” you call up to him. He’s too far away for you to smell him, but you know he’s wearing his red aviators that you’d given him when you discovered his eyes were more sensitive to light than most humans - or most trolls, for that matter.

“Hi Terezi,” he calls back as you climb back up into your hive. His lithe seven sweep body dips around the hanging scalemates with as much ease as you do. “Who did you prosecute today?”

Your hand finds his hornless head and you ruffle the hair that smells like the colour of not-deadly sunlight. “Lots of people!” you say. “But I have a feeling I might have found you a playmate.”

Dave scoffs and follows you into the nutriblock where you start making pizza. He cracks open a can of apple juice - that terrible Faygo crap is reserved for clowns who’ve fried their think pans with sopor and can’t tell the difference - and you have to grin as he takes a long slurp. You had found the presumptuous little human about a sweep ago, living in the forest. Even then, he had been cocky and self assured, swinging a rusted dagger he had found in a stream somewhere. You admit that you’d been charmed (and maybe found him a bit pitiful) and he’s been living with you ever since, learning swordfighting online, recording shitty raps and learning the fine art of ironic comics.

“So?” Dave asks. “Who’s this potential playmate?”

“Turns out spidersister has a human living with her, too. I smelled it on her,” you grin.

Dave just stares at her for a few moments before you break out into laughter. “Don’t give me that look!” you cackle. “I’m going to introduce you to Vriska’s human and you’re going to like it!”

Dave goes back to sipping his apple juice. “And if I’m not interested?”

You frown. “Look, Dave,” you say. “I know you’re seven sweeps old and you think you can take on the world, but you need allies to be able to do that. Most trolls aren’t like me - they like to take humans and see how slowly they can be torn limb from limb.” You can tell that he’s staring at you.

“I can take care of myself, Terezi,” he says, but you can hear the wariness under his ironic deadpan.

You grin, all teeth, and ruffle his hair in the exact manner you know he hates. “Come on, coolkid, lighten up! We have court cases to present!”

Dave grins despite himself. “Of course, Redglare,” he says, dropping into his RP character as your courtroom assistant. “Today we’re prosecuting the scalemate Ironeye for deserting his post in Her Imperial Condescension’s army …” 

* * *

 

Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and for the millionth time, “Rose, please hold still!”

The diminutive human sighs. “I have been holding still, Kanaya,” she says, “for the past two hours. This wooden stool is not particularly comfortable to stand on for such periods of time.”

You lean back and survey your work so far. Rose was standing in front of a full body mirror, her short blonde hair tucked back neatly with a black headband. A partially sewed dress fits neatly against her frame, the purple colour matching her eyes. You carefully pin one last seam and help her pull it back over her head.

“I suppose it is ready to be sewed,” you say, and Rose gratefully steps off the stool and flops over on the couch. You smooth out the fabric and lay it gently on your sewing machine, checking the needle before pressing your foot on the pedal, sending the glinting metal into the cloth.

Rose tilts her head enough to crack open one eye to watch you. You had been taking care of her for approximately a sweep now, but you still weren’t used to her bright purple eyes, so unlike anything on the hemospectrum. She has a nicely sized wardrobe by now, as you had quickly become enamoured with having your very own dress up doll. She is more than that, of course - she is your friend and companion, as she can survive the Alternian sun like you can.

“Kanaya,” she says. You raise your eyebrows and hum an acknowledgement, not taking your eyes off the fabric under your hands. “I would like to own my own husktop.”

That statement makes you stop your work and look up. “Oh? Of course I will set about procuring you a husktop, but may I inquire as to why you wish to acquire one?”

Rose sits up, linking her ankles and folding her hands on her lap. “I’ve seen you with your own. You find great enjoyment with people on the internet. Although I have used yours in the past, I would like to have my own to keep better connection with people I have met. Sharing a husktop can be arduous when both parties wish to spend the majority of their time with it.”

You nod. It makes sense. “Of course,” you say. You rise to go looking for Mother Grub. She was planning to go to supply station tomorrow, and you must ask her to add a husktop to her shopping list.

The next night, Mother Grub returns from the supply station and gives you the box containing Rose’s new husktop before going to the nutriblock to store the week’s rations. You find the human in the guest respiteblock that you and she had redecorated to become her own - it is now coloured in purple and black and you can’t help thinking that it’s like stepping into a seadweller’s hive.

“Your husktop has arrived, Rose,” you say. The girl jumps up off her day bed and rushes towards you, taking the box and setting it carefully on her desk before hugging you, her face pressed into your stomach.

“Thank you, Kanaya!” she says, smiling widely. “You are so wonderful.”

You smile back. “Does this mean you’ll stay still so I can continue fitting your dress later tonight?”

You barely suppress a laugh when her face twists into a frown. “Very well,” she says. You leave her to her own devices as you go back to sewing a new Flarping outfit for Vriska that you planned to surprise her with for her upcoming wriggling day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So people have been arguing about ages in the tags.
> 
> John and Jade are 3.5 sweeps, which is approximately 8 years. Rose and Dave are 7 sweeps (15 years), and all the trolls are 9 sweeps (about 20). In this AU, trolls are conscripted into the Condesce's army at 10 sweeps, so the trolls have about a sweep left.
> 
> Conversions from years to sweeps is done with the formula sweeps=(6/13)(years), which was pulled off the MSPA wiki.

Your name is Rose Lalonde and you have the best owner ever.

Kanaya has just left you with a heavy box containing your new husktop. You grin, eager, but you still take care to open the box properly instead of ripping into it like you want to. Finally, you open the box and power up the new husktop. It’s the same shade of purple as your eyes and it’s already programmed with the basics, and you immediately sign into Trollian - you can always multitask later.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has signed into Trollian! --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has started trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] ! --

TG: hey rose  
TT: Dave! Hello!  
TG: kanaya finally lent you her husktop again did she  
TT: Even better. She has gifted me with one of my own. I no longer need to share a husktop with her.  
TG: sweet  
TG: so i don’t need to keep wondering if im gonna be lucky enough to get to talk to my only human friend once a week  
TG: damn that jadebloods pretty fucking rad  
TT: Yes, I would agree with that statement.

“Rose, dinnertime!” calls Kanaya from down in the nutriblock. You sigh.

TT: As enjoyable as this conversation is, it is time to eat. I will be back soon.  
TG: later

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has become idle! --

TG: whoa  
TG: check this out

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] an invitation to join memo “calling all those of the human persuasion!! :)” ! --

* * *

 

After a delicious dinner and laying thick praise on Mother Grub for being generous enough to cook it, you abscond immediately back to your respiteblock and your new husktop. You carefully smooth a Fluthu sticker onto the purple cover and go back to your conversation with Dave.

  
TT: Dave, what is this?  
TG: apparently were not the only humans with access to husktops  
TT: Oh?

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] joined memo “calling all those of the human persuasion!! :)” ! --

GG: oh wow someone else!!  
GG: hi!!!!!!!!  
TT: Yes, hello.  
GG: i thought dave and i were the only humans on trollian  
GG: im jade :)  
TG: shes not bad  
TG: lives with a rustblood  
TT: Hello, Jade. I am Rose.  
TT: A rustblood? How interesting. What are they like?  
GG: hes great! i used to live with a ceruleanblood but she couldn’t take care of both me and my brother so i live with karkat now!!  
TT: … Karkat, you say?  
GG: oh no please forget just said D:  
TG: uh rose  
TG: do you know him or some shit  
TT: I don’t, no, but I believe Kanaya might … Do you mind if I send a memo invite to my caretaker?  
GG: is she nice???  
TT: The best.  
GG: ok then!

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] sent grimAuxiliatrix [GA] an invitation to join memo “calling all those of the human persuasion!! :)” ! --

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] joined memo “calling all those of the human persuasion!! :)” ! --

GA: Hello  
TT: Kanaya, do you know a rustblood named Karkat?  
GA: Yes I Do Why Do You Ask  
GG: wow this is so exciting!! i live with karkat!!  
GA: Really  
GG: yes really!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] an invitation to join memo “calling all those of the human persuasion!! :)” ! --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined memo “calling all those of the human persuasion!! :)” ! --

CG: JADE WHAT THE HELL?  
GG: karkat guess what! i found someone who knows you!  
GA: Hello Karkat  
CG: KANAYA? WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO JADE?  
TT: Because I was originally taking to Jade.  
TT: My name is Rose Maryam. It is a pleasure to meet you.  
CG: ROSE MARYAM.  
CG: UH  
CG: I SEE.  
CG [to GA]: MARYAM WHAT THE HELL  
GA [to CG]: Rose Is Human And I Have Been Her Caretaker For Approximately The Last Sweep Or So  
CG: HUH.  
TG: uh did everyone forget about me or  
CG: WHO ARE YOU?  
TG: names dave nice to meet you shouty  
CG: KARKAT.  
TG: whatever you say shouty  
TT: Dave.  
TG: *karkat  
TT: Better.  
CG: THANK YOU, ROSE.  
TT: My pleasure.  
CG: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.  
CG: ROSE IS A HUMAN LIVING WITH KANAYA, JADE IS A HUMAN LIVING WITH ME, AND TG IS NOT JOHN?  
TG: whos john  
GG: my brother!!  
TG: no im pretty sure im not related to you sorry  
TG: i realize how devastated you must be  
TG: boo hoo im not related to dave my life is over  
GA: So Who Is Your Caretaker Dave If I May Ask  
TT: Perhaps Kanaya or Karkat know her.  
TG: terezi pyrope  
CG: NEVER TOOK PYROPE TO BE SOMEONE WHO’D WANT TO TAKE CARE OF SOMEONE  
CG: FIGURED SHE ALWAYS PREFERRED TO STRING THEM UP BESIDE THE SCALEMATES  
TG: hey those scalemates deserved it  
GG: what scalemates??  
TT: I would like to meet this John.  
TT: Who did you say was taking care of him?  
CG: YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU.  
GG: vriska!!!!!  
GG: shes the one who found me and him  
GG: we were lost and she took us home and took care of us  
GG: but i guess two humans were too much to handle!  
GG: so i live with karkat now!  
GG: i go see john and vriska all the time though  
CG: GOOD THING TOO.  
CG: DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE’S BEEN DOING?  
CG: JADE ACTUALLY MAKES ME KEEP THE HIVE CLEAN  
CG: AND EAT THREE MEALS A NIGHT.  
GG: oh karkat dont lie!!  
GG: im the one who does all the cleaning  
GA: Oh My  
TG: as fascinating as this is i gotta go  
TG: so many people demanding my attention, so little time  
TG: peace

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has left the memo! --

CG: SPEAKING OF, IT’S NEARING MORNING. JADE, YOU SHOULD GO TO BED.  
GG: awww!!  
CG: JADE.  
GG: fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine  
GG: good morning kanaya  
GG: good morning rose  
GG: good morning karkat  
GA: Good Morning Jade  
TT: Good morning, Jade.  
CG: GOOD MORNING, JADE.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has left the memo! --

TT: I would so like to meet her in person.  
GA: Yes I Would As Well  
GA: It Would Be Quite Pleasing To Meet Another Human  
CG: FUCK NO.  
CG: NOPE.  
CG: NOT HAPPENING.  
GA: Karkat Please Do Not Be Unreasonable  
CG: I’M NOT UNREASONABLE!  
TT: We already know of her.  
TT: There is no reason to be wary of us meeting her.  
TT: I am human myself, and Kanaya is obviously not a threat to humans.  
CG: … ONLY IF WE MEET AT YOUR HIVE.  
GA: That Is Not A Problem  
GA: I Believe Rose Is Getting Frustrated With Me Using Her As Inspiration For My Fashion Endeavors  
TT: Am I ever.  
TT: And Jade seems like someone who wouldn’t mind Kanaya fussing over them for hours on end.  
CG: YEAH THAT DOES SOUND LIKE HER.  
GA: When Is A Good Time For You  
CG: I DON’T KNOW? WE DON’T REALLY DO A LOT SO MY SCHEDULE’S FAIRLY CLEAR.  
TT: How about three nights from now?  
TT: That will give all of us time to prepare extra precautions  
TT: As prized as humans are as pets, most trolls that are not seadwellers prefer to use us as past times to increase their skills of culling.  
CG: DON’T FUCKING REMIND ME.  
TT: Karkat was right. It is nearing dawn. I believe I shall retire.  
TT: Good morning, Karkat, Kanaya.  
CG: MORNING, ROSE.  
GA: Good Morning Rose

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has left the memo! --

CG: SHE’S NICE.  
CG: HOW OLD IS SHE?  
GA: Rose Is Seven Sweeps Old  
CG: A BIT OF AN AGE DIFFERENCE THEN  
GA: That Is Of No Issue  
GA: Rose Will Be Glad To Meet Another Of Her Species Regardless Of Age  
CG: THE TWO OF YOU SEEM VERY SIMILAR  
GA: Yes  
GA: If We Were Not Of Different Species I Would Think We Shared An Ancestor  
CG: OH GOD  
CG: AND I THOUGHT ONE FLIGHTY BROAD WOULD BE MORE THAN ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH  
CG: NOW THERE’S TWO OF YOU  
CG: FUCK MY LIFE  
GA: My Apologies  
GA: But Not Really  
CG: YEAH I FIGURED.  
CG: ANYWAY I’M GOING TO SEE IF JADE ACTUALLY WENT TO SLEEP.  
CG: MORNING.  
GA: Good Morning Karkat

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has left the memo! --

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has closed the memo! --


	5. Chapter 5

You are John Serket a few days in the future, but not many, and holy shit you are so excited.

“John, calm down!” Vriska finally explodes. You’ve been pulling all the blankets and pillows off every daybed, couch, and chair you can find in the house and dragging it upstairs to your respiteblock, preparing a big pile to jam with your sister. Karkat’s bringing her over later tonight, according to Vriska, and you are totally super excited! You drop the big pillow you found in the loungeblock and look down.

“Sorry, Vriska,” you say, not daring to look up at her. She sighs and walks over to ruffle your hair.

“I can’t stay mad at you. You’re turning me into a fucking lusus. Go finish your pile, but be quiet about it, ‘kay?”

You nod enthusiastically and grab the pillow you dropped and continue to drag it towards the stairs. You’re careful to make sure the pillow doesn’t making muffled thumps on the stairs this time.

You love your respiteblock. It had originally been a guest block, but you and Vriska revamped it. You’ve got plush spiders and movie posters everywhere. Vriska finally gave in and let you have her big desk-husktop, and its been dragged into your block. As you enter, you notice the screen flashing.

 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has started trolling ghostlyTrickster [GT] ! --

GG: john!!! are you excited? ive got so much to tell you!!  
GT: hell yes i’m excited!  
GT: i’m putting the finishing touches on our pile now.  
GG: yay!!!!! :) :) :)   
GG: i always miss you so much  
GT: yeah me too.  
GT: i wish vriska and karkat didn’t live so far away from each other.  
GG: yeah ):  
GG: oh karkats calling me  
GG: ill see you soon!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has ceased trolling ghostlyTrickster [GT] ! --

You grin and tuck the last pillow under the blankets. You jump on it a couple times to create dents for you and Jade to cuddle in before racing back downstairs. “Vriska! Vriska! They’re on their way!”

Vriska looks up from her mobile husktop. “Yeah, I got a message from Karkat. You ready to spend time with Jade for a while?”

You giggle. “Always! I miss her so much all the time!” Vriska just laughs at you, and you decide it would be awesome to be her.

* * *

You are now Vriska Serket and your pet human is racing off back upstairs to leave you to continue your conversation with your moirail.

GA: I Never Took You For The Type Of Troll To Take In A Human But I Am Very Glad You Have Extended Your Goodwill  
AG: What can I say? You seem to love yours so much th8t I just had to take them in!  
AG: 8esides, you didn’t see them on that Flarping field. They were so … small. Small and l8st. I h8 the tr8ll who w8nted t8 le8ve th8m th8re!!!!!!!!  
GA: Shoosh Vriska It Is All Right Now You Found John And Jade And Now They Are Safe And Happy With You And Karkat  
AG: Yeah, you’re right ……..  
AG: I'm just having trou8le coping with all this.  
AG: I feel like a fucking lusus!!!!!!!!  
AG: I have this overwhelming urge to teach John how to fight so he can protect himself in case I’m not home in the hive with him.  
GA: That Is Understandable.  
GA: I Have Been Giving Rose Lessons In How To Properly Wield A Chainsaw  
AG: How’s that going?  
GA: She Is Very Proficient  
AG: I don’t have another set of dice, though ::::(  
AG: What would you suggest for his strife speci8us?  
GA: Why Dont You Ask Him What He Would Like  
AG: I think I’ll do that!  
AG: You’re the 8est, Kanaya.  
AG: Almost as gr8 as me! :::D  
AG: Oh, I hear knocking. That must be Karkat!  
AG: Talk to you l8r!!!!!!!!

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] has ceased trolling grimAuxillatrix [GA] ! --

You close your husktop and set it on the table in front of you, standing up off the couch and opening the door. You immediately bend down and accept the hug that is flung around your neck.

“Rawr!” you growl playfully, swinging Jade around in a circle as she screeches and giggles in your ear.

“Hi Vriska hi Vriska hi Vriska!” she chants. John hears her and comes back downstairs, running as fast as his little legs will carry him.

“JADE!” he cries.

“JOHN!” she yells back excitedly. You set Jade on the ground and she runs at John, the two of them clashing together in a way that makes you wince, but they just fall over, hugging and screaming and laughing. You and Karkat just end up shrugging at each other. Humans are weird.

“Hey, Jade,” Karkat says. Jade looks at him from over John’s shoulder from where she’s pinned under her brother. “I’m headed to the supply station to pick up our week’s rations. I’ll swing by and pick you up on my way back, alright?”

“Okay!” she squeals, and you laugh.

“Out of my hive, Vantas,” you say teasingly to your hatefriend, “I don’t need you polluting it further.”

“Gladly,” he replies, making his way to the door. “I wouldn’t want to catch death by bitch in this rotting hellhole anyway.” He slams the door on his way out, and John and Jade manage to pick themselves up off the floor and race upstairs to John’s pile.

* * *

You are Jade Vantas and wow you have the best brother ever!!!!!!

John is excitedly telling you how he spent _all day_ getting this pile just right, and you snuggle down into it and tell him it's an excellent pile. He starts going on about what he's been getting up to in Vriska's hive since you last saw him and you drift away in your own thoughts. You love John very much, and you think it's great to have human family because you all act like unofficial moirails for each other because you're ancestor related but that just leaves your pale quadrant open for someone else. Like the troll that just walked with you all the way to the cerulean side of town so you could see your brother. Karkat is really great, you've decided. You just feel so bad for him because he has to hide his mutant blood and he's great for cuddles in front of the television in the loungeblock after a long night. If only he'd see you in the same pale light ...

"Jade? Alternia to Jade, come in Jade," John is giggling, waving a hand in your face. You catch his wrist in your own hand, giggling back.

"What?" you ask, grinning.

"You went off with Pupa Pan to Never-Never Land," he says. "What're you thinking about? That's what the jam is for."

You look down and blush, and John jumps on the chance

"You're hiding something!" he crows. "Come on, Jade, we're family, you can trust me."

And you look up at him and he's got his big grub-barkbeast eyes directed at you and nngghhhh you can't deny him.

"I ... I might have a palecrush on Karkat," you mutter, all quiet, and John wraps you up in a big hug.

"Does he know?" John asks, and wow, you love it when he goes protective brother on you like this.

"No," you say, "and he'd never return it anyway. I think he's already got a moirail. A purpleblood named Gamzee. He's on Trollian with him an awful lot."

"Aww," John says, squeezing you a bit tighter. "Maybe he'll come around?"

You shake your head. "No, he won't. I love you and I love being human but sometimes I just wish I was a troll so Karkat would notice me the way I want him to, as a potential moirail instead of the annoying human he begrudgingly looks after!" You slump down against John and he rubs your arms, making little shooshing noises. You just lie in his arms and let him fuss over you.

You’re three and a half and having your first crush is hard.


	6. Chapter 6

You are now Vriska Serket a few days after Jade’s visit, and you are getting ready to be an awesome motherfucker.

“Where are you going?” John inquires. You look up from where you’re debating between the white-and-blue shirt and the all blue shirt and grin at him. You hadn’t heard him come in. He’s getting better at stealth.

“I’m going Flarping,” you reply, showing all your teeth. Most people (human or troll) would flinch at the sight of all your pointy fangs and teeth. He just does his adorable giggle snort and covers his mouth with his hand.

“Back where you found me and Jade?” he asks, and you nod distractedly, pulling on the all blue shirt and grabbing your black pirate coat with cerulean trim. “It matches your eyes!” John says excitedly.

“That’s the point, moron,” you tell him affectionately, ruffling his hair in between where his horns would be if he had them. You’re pretty much used to how weird humans look without horns by now, but you still have the habit of avoiding the non existent protrusions.

“Can I go with you?” he wants to know as you take down your sword, and you freeze.

“Sorry, John,” you say gruffly. “No can do. Not til you learn to fight.” You check your pocket, and – where the fuck are you dice? You whirl around and John is holding them.

“You almost forgot these!” he chirps, holding them up to you, carefully cupped in two hands. He is so fucking precious, really, no wonder Spidermom never wanted to eat you, if this is how you affected her. Psh, what are you talking about, you were the cutest fucking grub any lusus has ever had.

You take the dice out of John’s hands. “Thanks, lil man,” you tell him. “What’d I do without you?”

“The same things you did before you found me, I’d guess,” he says, and he’s so small and so serious and there is no way in hell he is only three and a half sweeps, he’s seen way too much shit. You rattle the dice in your hands thoughtfully.

“You want me to teach you to strife?” you ask, glancing up and pinning him with an intense stare. John’s eyes go big, as if he can’t believe that you’d offer.

“And then I can go Flarping with you?” he says, a bit of awe in his voice.

“Sure thing. Eridan’s an annoying prick anyway, I need a better first mate.” John bounces on his heels excitedly.

“Yes!” he screeches, and you can’t help it. You laugh. “Yes yes yes! Do I get dice like you?”

“I wish you could, but I don’t have another set of dice. You’re going to have to choose your own specibus. I’ll get you a blank one and you can program it, okay? While I’m gone, you have a look around and see if you can find anything you’d like to fight with.”

Your mobile husktop chimes in your sylladex and you sigh, although you’re kind of glad it reminds you to grab a sylladex for John as well. You’ll find plenty of sylladexes and strife specibi in your Flarping travels today. You yank out your husktop.

CA: hurry the fuck up vvri we aint got all day

You ignore him, slinging your husktop back into your sylladex. Whatever. You’ll get there when you get there, Eridan will just have to suck it up. John’s still got stars in his eyes.

You crouch down in front of him and hold out your arms. “Hug before I go?”

John obliges you and throws himself into your arms, and you wrap him up tight.

“Be careful, Vriska,” he requests. You chuckle into his hair.

“Of course. I’m the best there is.”

He nuzzles under your neck affectionately, and he is so cute you could die. You have big plans for tonight’s Flarping session. He goes off to his respiteblock when you let him go, so he doesn’t see the dangerous gleam in your good eye as you make your way out of the hive.

Eridan is waiting for you when you get to the Flarping field. “Fucking finally!” he cries. “Where the hell were you, landdweller?”

“No concern of yours, grubfuck, I’m here now.” You know he’s going to read your platonic dislike as black. You really don’t care. He’s so far beneath you, despite his higher place on the hemospectrum, that you can barely even see his lame ass from how far below you he is. Metaphorically, of course. Physically, he’s just barely taller than you are. “Waiting on you now,” you point out, taking your place at the helm. He harrumphs and doesn’t try to flirt further, which is kind of strange. Something’s off about him. Like you do every time you encounter Eridan, you wish you had your vision eightfold back so you could know exactly what the hell was up with him.

You mentally shrug and guide your pirate ship away from where you and Eridan usually go hunting, aiming for where you found John and Jade.

“Where the fuck are we going?” Eridan snaps, less crossly than he usually would. You shrug, nonplussed all the same.

“None of your damn business,” you say simply. Eridan glares at you, not liking that answer, but he doesn’t push it further. He stalks up to the bow of the deck instead, Ahab’s Crosshairs perched on his hip. You watch him thoughtfully as you guide your ship. Is it possible he’s found someone else who he was black for? You’re kind of relieved, but also sort of affronted. You liked knowing he was pining after you and that you’d never return his feelings. You take a deep breath and remind yourself that it doesn’t matter.

It takes you about half an hour to get there, and it’s mostly lowbloods here. You know the area from when you used to fight with or against Tavros before you pushed him off that cliff. Looking back on it, you sort of regret it. He doesn’t Flarp anymore (not that he was very good at it in the first place) and you kind of miss seeing him on a semi regular basis. Not that you’d ever admit that.

You dock your ship and watch the lowbloods scatter. You step up onto the railings and laugh, holding your sword skyward. You don’t fight with it, but it’s a good prop to terrify people with. You hop down and put your sword in your sylladex – faster than putting it back in your belt – and roll your dice. They glow and you throw your hands out, blue lightening streaking to kill the nearest Flarper. You leave the smoking corpse to collect later and check your status. You still have two lightening strikes left. Awesome. In the corner of your eye, you can see Eridan with Ahab’s Crosshairs against his shoulder, taking out several opponents with each shot.

Once you have the field under your control, you turn to the remaining quivering warmbloods. “All right, I have a question. How you answer it depends on whether you live or die tonight.”

No one answers, but a few of them are whimpering. Good. They should be scared.

“About half a perigee ago, someone left two human grubs in this field to get cooked by the sun and eaten by the undead. That’s totally lame.” Everyone’s staring at you, even Eridan. You ignore him. You’ve long gotten over the idea of people thinking it’s odd for a cerulean to have a human pet. “I want to know who left them there.”

Silence.

“Answer me!”

A small girl squeaks. She’s brown, and can only have just started Flarping. You turn on her, bearing down on her, reaching out with your psionics to make her answer you.

“It was the Germanium, I don’t know his real name! It’s just what he goes by when he Flarps!”

You narrow your eyes before letting go of her mind. You roll your dice and use the saw swipe to kill everyone around her, showering her in a rainbow of lower hemospectrum. “Get going,” you say coldly. She flees.

“You’ve got a human, Vri?” Eridan asks. You sigh and roll your eyes, piling up bodies to make them easier to store on a single card in your sylladex.

“I do,” you tell him. “You have a problem with that?”

“No! I’m just surprised, is all.” You turn to see him helping you stack bodies, looting them beforehand. You see him pull out a fairly large sylladex. He examines it, considers keeping it, and tosses it aside. You catch it midair.

“Why are you surprised?” you ask, emptying the sylladex but keeping the cards before you stuff it into one of the many pockets of your coat. He eyes you. You suppose both of you are acting oddly tonight. Usually you wouldn’t have let the rustblood go.

“Landdwellers don’t usually keep pets. Humans in particular are kept for royalty. The ones you found are probably defective.”

You growl and grab him from behind, slamming him to the ground and pinning him there by his throat with your robotic arm. “John and Jade are not defective. They’re bright grubs, and a damn sight better than you,” you snarl. Eridan snarls back, but you just press harder on his windpipe until he coughs before you let him up. You ruffle through the clothes before you find a suitable strife specibus and that joins the sylladex in your pocket before you collect the bodies. You stalk for your ship and leave Eridan on the shore, shouting obscenities at your retreating vessel.

You don’t care.

You just want to go home to John.

And maybe plot out how to gruesomely murder this Germanium.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Now with character ask blog!](http://askthpverse.tumblr.com/)

You dock your ship where you usually do, and it’s a bit harder than usual to moor it without Ampora, but you reason it’s still better than having to deal with his whiney, waterlogged butt. Your mobile husktop has been blowing up in your sylladex, and when your ship is secured to the dock, you pull it out.

CA: vvris you come back here right now  
CA: so help me i wwill end you  
CA: i am fuckin royalty and i wwill not be treated like this  
CA: wwhat the fuck is this shit anyway  
CA: is this some lame vversion of black flirtin  
CA: because i promise you all im feelin right now is platonic  
CA: youre just another glubbin landdwweller  
CA: i cant believve I evver evven bothered wwith you  
CA: you stupid  
CA: stuck up  
CA: fuckin  
CA: pirate bitch!

Wow, the amount of fucks you don’t give is almost overwhelming.

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] has blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]! --

Let him flip his shit over that. He’ll have to go suck Captor’s bulge if he wants to get around that, the computer-illiterate fishface. You make sure your newest acquisitions for John are in your pockets before you take the left path, headed towards the blueblood dwelling area.

The door to your hive is still locked, and John is sitting in the loungeblock, watching the picture box and waiting for you to get home. That’s … actually adorable. Damn him.

“I’m home!” you call, and he lights up like a 12th Perigee’s tree, hopping off the couch to attack your waist in a John-esque hug.

“Yay, you’re back!” he exclaims. You laugh and pick him up, your coat twirling as you spin him around. He locks his arms around your neck and buries his face in your hair and your bloodpusher does that tightening thing in your chest again that makes you think about the Germanium and how they wanted to hurt John and Jade, and even just the thought makes you see red. You press him a bit tighter to your chest and lift your lip in a silent snarl. Fuck that Germanium loser in every orifice, you are going to get the most revenge that anyone has ever gotten.

“Uh, Vriska?” John asks. “You’re crushing me.”

“Oh, sorry,” you say, and set him how gently. “Did you do what I asked when I left?”

He nods excitedly and takes your hand in his small, pale, fragile human hand, and he drags you off into the loungeblock and you see the oldest, shittiest hammer known to trollkind sitting on the couch. He goes over and picks it up, waving it excitedly.

“I’m gonna use a hammer, just like troll Thor!” You can’t help but laugh at how damn happy the picture box makes him. You almost never turned it on, but John’s completely enarmoured with whatever he sees on that screen on pretty much a nightly basis.

You shuck off your coat and toss it carelessly across the back of couch before parking your ass on the couch. John hops up beside you, sinking into the cushions as you turn your torso just enough to dig the strife specibus out of your pocket and showing it to the little human. He presses himself against your side as he peers at it curiously, and your bloodpusher swells with that amazing lusus-feeling again. You tamp it down. Focus, Vriska, focus!

You quickly program it with the hammerkind abstratus and hand it over to John, watching him turn it over in his tiny pale hands, and you show him how to move his hammer to and from the strife deck. He quickly gets the hang of it and he seems far too pleased than he should be with his shitty little hammer, running around the loungeblock happily.

“Kneel before the power of Troll Thor!” he yells with that ever-present giggle he can’t seem to get out of his voice. He looks over at you and grins that adorable grin you and think fuck it, you may as well play along.

“My hero!” you call in a shrill falsetto, pressing the back of your hand to your forehead and swooning onto the couch. “I shall leave my matesprit for you, Troll Thor!”

John drops out of character and giggles madly, tucking his hammer back into it’s deck slot and running over to you, tossing himself onto your stomach. You let out a small ‘oof!’ of surprise before curling your arms around him and nuzzling the top of his head.

“Hey, Vriska?” he asks. You hum.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

That was unexpected. You don’t really know a lot about human family dynamics, but from what you’ve found online, this ‘love’ is sort of like a platonic version of moirallegiance.

Which sort of makes you think: the pity you feel for John is definitely not flush or pale. You’ve never really had a chance to classify it, and the business transaction that is your relationship with your lusus is definitely devoid of any emotions whatsoever. This crazy protectiveness you feel for John … is this love?

You decide it is.

“I love you too, John.”

The way his face lights up when you say that is worth it, you think, even if what you’re not feeling is love (it’s easier to call it love than it is to describe it as ‘the strange lusus-feeling’ anyway).

He burrows himself in the small space between you and the back of the couch, his head resting on your collarbone, and you think you like cuddling him. You’re not much for cuddling, although Kanaya is trying to change that, but with John’s small body heat against you, knowing that he trusts you to protect him, it’s … wow. It’s intense.

Speaking of lusii, you have one in the basement that you need to feed. You nudge John and carefully sit up. “I gotta go feed Spidermom,” you tell him, and he blinks up at you.

“Can I come?”

Everything is screaming _bad idea!_ at you but if meeing Spidermom doesn’t teach him to always watch his back, nothing will.

“Sure thing. C’mon.” You head for the stairs, a happy human trotting at your heels.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags, people. Check 'em.

You are Rose Maryam and you are tired.

You take a deep breath and lie back into the multitude of pillows covering the oblong resting device in Kanaya's loungeblock, closing your eyes. The sun is bright through the curtains covering the open window, a warm breeze fluttering the gauze. You can here Kanaya's chainsaw as she works over the trees at the edge of the property line; you're still not sure how she's managed to cultivate such fauna in the desert, but far be it from you to complain.

You're both waiting for Karkat and Jade to show up, having convinced the rustblooded boy that it would be a better idea to visit the desert where no one would be around.

You idly flick through the channels on the television showing late-day reruns of troll anime and Humans in Tiaras, rousing from you stupor only when you hear Kanaya's chainsaw rumble to a stop. You shut off the television and go to the window, pushing aside the gossamer curtain to see a short girl holding the hand of a troll in a thick sun protection suit. It's a mass of bulky black material, and the figure you assume is Karkat is completely obscured with the layers upon layers of heat resistant garments. You can imagine Kanaya's internal monologue bemoaning the affront to fashion she's currently faced with.

The girl is obviously excited, clinging to Karkat as she bounces on the balls of her feet. Kanaya caps her chainsaw and slips the lipstick into the pocket of her skirt before ushering their guests towards the hive. You brush down your own skirt self consciously and move out of the block to open the door for the others. As you do so, you're promptly bowled over by a mass of dark limbs and black hair.

“Hi!” says Jade loudly into your chest as you take a step back, surprised by the force of her tackle hug greeting. “You must be Rose, oh wow, I'm so excited! I'm Jade! It's so great to meet a human I'm not related to like wow hi!”

“Jade,” comes a rough voice, slightly muffled because of the protection suit. “Be nice, she's not me or John.”

“I am nice!” Jade protests, sticking her tongue out at her owner. “I am the nicest nice to ever nice!”

You ignore their bantering as you watch Kanaya go around the bottom floor of the hive, locking the sun shutters in place for Karkat's sake. It's odd for the hive to be this dark, but Karkat sighs happily as he pulls the helmet off.

Your first thought is that he's smaller than you'd imagined, with burgundy eyes and tiny horns that barely peek out from his untamed mass of hair. He is actually about your height, and you really only come up to about Kanaya's chin.

You'd help Karkat undress, but you still have a girl attached to your waist, so you can't really do much other than stand there and awkwardly hug her back. Kanaya quickly comes to the smaller troll's rescue however. “I still think you should let me design you something that's less cumbersome, Karkat,” she admonishes. He snorts.

“I'd really rather you not. I like my black and grey hemoanonymity, thanks,” he grumbles. Kanaya's eyes sparkle in a way that makes your heart go topsy turvy.

“I can work with that,” she says. She helps him out of the last layer of coat, displaying the grey symbol on his shirt and ushering him towards her workblock, winking at you as they go by.

You look down at the girl still hugging you, you haven't had this much physical contact in a very long time.

Thankfully, Jade lets go of you. “So, Rose! What's fun to do around here? The sun is really awesome, Karkat usually doesn't let me go out in it, but Kanaya can! Do you have a garden? I like gardens, I really wanted one but Karkat's lawnring is too small!”

Easily excitable, isn't she, you note dryly. “We do have a small garden,” you say, and lead the squeeing girl out the back door. She sees the garden and immediately drops down and cups her hands delicately around the head of a flower. You stand back and allow her to examine Kanaya's garden in silence for several minutes before --

“Rose, how did you end up with Kanaya?”

You sigh and close your eyes as painful memories flash through your mind. You sit down on the ground yourself, crossing your legs gracefully and running your hands over the smooth fabric of your slacks.

“Well, I suppose it just over a sweep ago now. I was a wild human, and on that particular night, I was very, very scared ...”

* * *

 

_You're running as quickly and quietly through the trees as you can, your loose, makeshift clothes catching on low hanging treebranches and brambles and all sorts of terrible vegetation. You'd grown up in the woods, living wild with your siblings Dave, Roxy, and Dirk, protected by your mother and your elder brother who refused to be called anything other than Bro._

_You didn't know where Roxy and Dirk were. Probably running hand in hand like you and Dave were now. You'd abandoned Mom and Bro's bodies where the bounty hunters had killed them; humans who were too difficult to capture were no real loss, so they didn't mind shooting at the first hint of resistance._

_You and your siblings are still young enough to be 'tamed,' you know, you're not stupid. But still, you're so scared, you don't want to be separated from them, you love them too much, they're your family, they're your protectors and your friends and your fellow survivalists and they are your everything._

_You fall, and your hand is wrenched out of Dave's grasp. “Go!” you scream at him when he stops to help you up. You can hear the harsh barking of woofbeasts and the harsher yelling of the bounty hunters, and you and Dave share a pained look before he turns and dashes into the trees._

_You're captured, of course, and they bind your wrists too tightly and shove you into the ground, making you stumble as you're forced to walk back to the carnage they've made of your home where you've lived under the oak tree ever since you were born. They toss you down beside Dirk and you look at him with wide eyes. He nods (Roxy escaped) and you do the same (Dave is still safe). The two of you sag against each other in relief, and he presses a dry, dirty kiss to your cheek._

_“We'll be okay,” he says. “We're stronger than this.”_

_One of the bounty hunters, a brownblood with slim horns, pulls out his slingshotkind and puts a rock right in the middle of Dirk's forehead, knocking him unconscious. You muffle your cry of horror and instead glare at the offender, who laughs at you and makes an obscene gesture that makes you inwardly cringe and hope that he doesn't sample his wares before he sells you._

_The next few weeks are a blur in your mind. All you know is that Dirk is taking away from you on night three, wrenched from your grasping fingers and dragged, kicking and yelling, to be shipped off to another auction for wild humans somewhere._

_The day before your auction, the brownblood bounty hunter samples his wares._

_You're stripped naked and slapped into too-heavy chains and paraded in front of a thick crowd of trolls. You don't pay attention to the shouts and wolf whistles of approval as the auctioneer rattles off your stats: approximate age, size, sex, where you were found, how long ago you were captured._

_And then the bidding starts._

_That's the worst part, you think, as your price quickly goes up. You notice a particularly determined jadeblood, and eventually the bid bounces between her and a mean looking tealblood._

_The jadeblood wins after several minutes at 94 500 Empire notes, which you learn later is a fairly hefty price, even for a wild human. When she collects you, she wraps her coat around your naked form and leads you along the road to her hive. It's a long hike and you're utterly exhausted, so much so that you barely notice when your new owner carefully discards your shackles and tosses them to the side of the road._

_When you reach her hive, she lays you down on her couch and you pass out into dreamless, blissfully undisturbed sleep._

* * *

 

Jade's watching you with wide eyes as you finish your story. “I'm so sorry,” she says. “That must have been terrible.”

You nod. “It was.”

“What happened to Dirk? And Roxy?”

You sigh. “Dirk was sold to a seadweller. So far as I know, he's treated alright, although they're certainly not Kanaya. As for Roxy...” you smirk. “Roxy made friends with a yellowblood and she lives in his closet.”

Jade giggles and crawls into your lap. You don't mind the dirt from the garden that she's transfering to your carefully crafted clothes. That's where Kanaya and Karkat find you, in the middle of the garden, spending silent time just being human together in a world of trolls.


	9. Chapter 9

You are John Serket and you're really nervous.

Not that there's anything to be nervous about! Vriska is the best, and you know her lusus isn't going to hurt you when Vriska's there! It's just, you know. Spidermom eats wigglers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you really don't want to be an appetizer.

You keep playing with your strife deck, pulling your hammer out and putting it away again, just to give yourself something to do. When Vriska looks down, however, you duck your head sheepishly and just leave it be. You sort of wish you had kept it out, though. The worn rubber handle in your sweaty grip calms you down. Weapons are nice like that.

Vriska had hauled open a big, thick door that you know you couldn't have opened by yourself and ushered you inside. It was dim, so you waited on the edge of the platform for her to close the door again and lead the way down the big spiral stairs. You can't see the bottom, but you're glad that every now and again you pass a window, so your weak human eyes aren't completely useless in the gloom. Still, though, you slip your dark brown fingers into your troll's grey ones and squeeze gently. You think you sort of startle Vriska, but she smiles all the same and squeezes back.

“Are we going on an adventure, Captain Serket?” you whisper quietly. Vriska gives a low chuckle. It seems like this empty, cavernous stairwell is looking down on you, judging you if you speak too loudly.

“That's Captain Mindfang to you, swashbuckler,” Vriska whispers back, “and indeed we are. Going to face the mighty krakan.”

You suck in a breath, and she stops, crouching down in front of you without letting go of your hand. She's not playing anymore.

“John.” Wow, she is really super serious! “If you don't want to come see Mom, that's okay. You can go back up and wait for me.”

For a moment, you consider the offer. But then your gaze hardens, and you grip her hand as tightly as your fingers will allow. “A g _amblignant_ never backs down,” you say, not flinching when Vriska's vision eightfold meets yours. She looks you in the eyes for a long moment.

“No, they don't,” she agrees. She stands up and the two of you continue your way down the stairs. You think you can see the bottom now. “I picked a good first mate when I found you, John.”

You grin up at her. “I try my best!” That makes her laugh.

There's another door at the bottom of the stairs. “Make sure you stay behind me,” says Vriska, and she hauls it open. She leads you out onto a cliff, and when you peer over the edge, you can see a giant lusus sitting in a massive web at the bottom. Spidermom. The creature lurches up and raises its head towards the two of you, and you are not afraid to say you totally hide your face in the small of Vriska's back.

“Hey, Mom,” Vriska says casually, almost coldly, the same way you've heard her talk about some guy called Ampora. The lusus' giant pincers snap shut several times, clicking in what you think is annoyance. You peer out around Vriska's waist when you feel her rummage through her sylladex, and she decaptchalogues a huge pile of dead bodies.

You make a sound that is a combination of 'meep!' and 'eurgh' and hide your eyes again.

You can hear the sound of munching and crunching and slurping, but you don't want to look up because that means Spidermom is eating all those dead people and _ew_. When the sounds subside, Vriska gently shakes your arm. “Okay, John, time to say hello.”

You take a deep breath and consider running away, but that would disappoint Vriska. She wants you to be brave, and you are brave! You straighten your spine, ball your hands into fists, and step out from behind Vriska.

Spidermom is a sight to behold. She has her two front legs set firmly up on small daises in the steep cliff faces so she can raise her gigantic bulk up enough to eat the pile of cadavers that Vriska had brought for her. Spidermom's eight eyes, dark black holes in her bright white exoskeleton, bore into your soul, and those giant pincers – you were wrong, there's two sets of them, not just one – open and close lazily, stained burgundy and yellow and brown and olive with blood. Your eyes go wide and you think your jaw drops open a little bit. Vriska puts an arm around your shoulders protectively.

“John, this is Spidermom,” Vriska says, mocking an introduction. “Mom, this is John, my own little wiggler.” Your heart swells a little bit when she calls you her wiggler, like she's your very own lusus instead of your owner, and you think you like the sounds of that. Vriska the lusus. Yeah, it fits.

Spidermom regards you for a few tense moments before she quickly lunges at you, pincers wide to snap you up and feed you into her maw like youre already a corpse. You squeak in terrified surprise before you suddenly feel a shove and your shoulder is forced into the gravelly rock that you've been standing on, a loud screech seeming to rend the air into pieces. Luckily, you were able to protect your head so you can roll over and see what just happened.

Vriska is standing where you were not a moment before, her sword out of her strife deck and held straight out in front of her, plunging through Spidermom's mouth. The pincers clack weakly at the metal just under the cross-guard, Vriska's hand unwavering. The end of the blade pokes out of the back of Spidermom's head, and you can see cerulean blood, the same shade as Vriska's dripping out of the wound. Vriska herself is impassive, her face serene like she didn't just kill her lusus because it was about to eat you.

She plants a foot on Spidermom's face and hauls her sword back out, the flesh squelching. The force of it sends the dead lusus crashing back down into the bottom of the pit where it lived, catching the body in the giant cradle of web. Vriska flicks her sword, dislodging most of the gore and blood, before swinging it back into her strife deck and hurrying over to you. The calm expression is gone, and worry is written all over her face.

“John?” she asks as she helps you side up. “John, are you alright? Did she hurt you?”

You just lean into her and hug her tightly, your arms wound around her neck. Convinced that you're not about to die, she bundles you up into her arms and starts to make her way back upstairs. She smooths your hair back from your forehead and plants a gentle kiss there.

“Nobody's going to hurt you,” your lusus promises. “Not while I'm around.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten points if you caught the Sweeney Todd reference.


	10. Chapter 10

After that fiasco with Spidermom, you take John back up to your hive and lay him down on the daybed in his respiteblock, pulling the covers up to his chin and kissing his forehead. He doesn't even protest being put to 'coon early, just says “Love you, Vriska,” and rolls over to go to sleep. It makes your bloodpusher ache.

So you go downstairs and grab your mobile husktop, powering it on as you sit on the couch and going through your Trollian contact list. Most people are greyed out, but there's a beautiful shade of green you're happy to see.

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] has started trolling grimAuxillatrix [GA]! --

AG: Hey, Kan8ya?  
GA: Hello Vriska  
AG: Can I 8sk you s8mething?  
GA: Of Course  
GA: Are You Alright  
AG: Of course I'm alr8ght! Why w8uldn't I 8e alr8ght?  
GA: Youre Using More Eights Than Usual Is All  
AG: Oh, yeah. Sorry.  
AG: Had a scare, I guess.  
GA: What Happened  
AG: John wanted to meet Mom.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Oh My  
GA: Is John Okay  
AG: Yeah, he's fine. Mom's ...  
AG: Not.  
GA: Oh Dear  
AG: Yeah. She tried to eat him, so I culled her. Sta88ed her r8ght thr8ugh her f8cking m8uth all the w8y thr8ugh her head!!!!!!!!  
AG: No8ody hurts J8hn, n8 8ne at all!!!!!!!! I'll k8ll th8m!!!!!!!! I'll k8ll th8m 8ll!!!!!!!!  
GA: Vriska  
GA: Vriska You Need To Listen To Me Right Now  
GA: Shoosh  
GA: Do I Need To Come Over And Pap You  
GA: Shoosh Vriska John Is Safe Now  
GA: You Protected Him Hes Fine  
GA: Vriska  
AG: Sorry, Kanaya, I'm okay now.  
AG: Thanks.  
GA: What Are Moirails For  
AG: You're gr8<>  
GA: I Try<>  
GA: But I Sense That This Isnt The Only Reason You Wished To Talk To Me  
AG: Damn, you're good, Fussyfangs.  
AG: You're right. Remem8er how I found John and Jade?  
GA: In A Field When You Were Flarping I Believe  
AG: Yeah.  
AG: Well, apparently they were left there 8y some asshole called the Germanium.  
GA: What Are You Going To Do About It  
AG: What do you think I'm gonna do? I'm going to find them.  
AG: And then I'm going to cull them like the worthless 8astard they are.  
GA: What Does John Think About This  
AG: I haven't told him. Why? Do you think I should?  
GA: He May Have Some Memories That Would Aid You In Tracking Down This Germanium Person  
AG: Not tonight, though. He's had a traumatic enough night as it is.  
GA: Of Course I Meant Some Other Time  
AG: Yeah, you're right. Thanks.  
GA: Its My Pleasure  
GA: And Vriska  
AG: Yeah?  
GA: Try Not To Be Too Torn Up Over Your Lusus  
GA: Most Lusii Die In A Trolls Eighth Or Ninth Sweep  
GA: This Isnt Exactly Unusual  
AG: ........  
AG: Yeah.  
AG: Yeah, you got it, Fussyfangs.  
GA: Take Care Of Yourself  
AG: Hah! I always do!

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] has ceased trolling grimAuxillatrix [GA]! --

You move your husktop from your lap to the couch cushion beside you, smiling slightly. Fussyfangs has a weird gift of making you calm your shit no matter what's happened, regardless of whether she's in the same room as you or not.

You get up and walk across the hallway into the respiteblock, pulling a can of grubpaste out of the cupboard to make yourself a sandwich. You lean your elbows on the counter as you eat, chewing idly.

Where would you even find this Germanium person? You have no idea what you're looking for – no gender, no description, just a name.

Not that you're too deterred. You have all the luck – you've found people with less information.

You suck the last of the grubpaste off your fingers with a quiet slurp.

This, you think, is a Flarp campaign for a very special team. You go back to your husktop.

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] has started trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]! --

AG: Yo, Terezi.  
AG: I have a proposition for you.  
GC: WHY 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO M3?  
AG: 8ecause I have a proposition for you? Did you read what I said?  
GC: WHY WOULD YOU BOTH3R M3 W1TH 4NYTH1NG L1K3 TH1S? H4V3 YOU FORGOTT3N WH4T YOU D1D TO M3 4ND T4VROS?  
AG: I was just trying to help him!!!!!!! And it wasn't anything personal 8etween us!!!!!!!!  
GC: K33P T3LL1NG YOURS3LF TH4T VR1SK4  
GC: NOW WH4T DO YOU W4NT B3FOR3 1 BLOCK YOU 4G41N  
AG: I want the Scourge Sisters to make a reappearance.  
GC: WH4T? NO  
GC: FUCK TH4T 1N ON3 34R 4ND OUT TH3 OTH3R, 4S D4V3 WOULD S4Y  
AG: Dave?  
AG: Ah, it doesn't matter right now.  
AG: Look, Pyrope. I'm even trying to 8e nice here.  
AG: See what an effort I'm making?  
GC: 1S TH1S WH4T YOU CONS1D3R 4N 3FFORT?  
AG: Aw, come on! Marquise Mindfang needs Neophyte Redglare's help.  
GC: OHOHO, DO3S SH3 NOW?  
GC: 4ND WHY WOULD TH3 GOOD N3OPHYT3 H3LP 4 G4MBL1N4UT L1K3 M4RQU1SE?  
AG: 8ecause I have a criminal I need to track down and 8ring to justice.  
GC: VR1SK4 S3RK3T CONC3RN3D W1TH JUST1C3? OK4Y, YOU H4V3 MY 4TT3NT1ON. T4LK F4ST  
AG: Alright, look. I took in a human a while ago.  
GC: H4! 1 KN3W 1T!  
AG: How did you  
AG: You know what? Never mind.  
AG: Anyway, when I found him, he had 8een a8andoned.  
AG: Out in the cold, to fry under the sun.  
AG: The fact that someone would do that to a defenceless human is unethical.  
AG: I'm going to find the person who did this, and I'm going to wear their skin as a message to anyone else who wants to hurt humans in my care.  
GC: UN3TH1C4L, YOU S4Y? >:O  
GC: 4LR1GHT, 1M 1N.  
AG: Fuck yes!!!!!!!!  
AG: The person's name is Germanium. That's all I have so far.  
GC: TH4TS NOT MUCH TO GO ON  
AG: We've found people with less.  
GC: V3RY W3LL! THE PROS3CUTOR H4S B33N CONV1NC3D!  
AG: The Scourge Sisters are 8ack?  
GC: THE SCOURGE S1ST3RS 4R3 B4CK, MOTH3RFUCK3RS

 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] has ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]! --

You resist the urge to fist pump. Success!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell it took me ten chapters to figure out a plot?


	11. Chapter 11

Your name is Dave Pyrope and Terezi is anxious.

Usually, this would be the absolutely last word you would use to describe your friend, but there's no other explanation for how she's pacing a hole in the floor of your shared hive. You almost want to tell her to stop, but you figure she'd be able to tell when the floor is about to give a lot better than you can.

You just don't want her to crash through the tree's branches on her way to the ground, that's all. Gravity's a bitch.

“I can't believe what I just agreed to!” Terezi says for the hundredth time, swiping her cane at the furniture in agitation. You're sitting on a branch-cum-chair over her head, safely out of the way.

“And what did you agree to?” you drawl, watching her through the red tint of your shades. Terezi's shades are more of a meowbeast-eye shape, while yours are the round fullness of aviators, but they both are made of durable red glass. The shades, like your sword-cane, are gifts from the tealblood pacing below you. Gestures of goodwill, even.

“I'm teaming up with Vriska for more Flarping! I'd given up Flarping ever since she fucking blinded me!”

Oh yeah, that's a good reason to be anxious. “I'm sure you're not just doing it for shits and giggles.”

Terezi stops and puts her hands on her hips, looking up at you and sniffing disdainfully (or maybe just to see you better). “No, Dave, I'm definitely not doing it for 'shits and giggles.' I am doing it because I have been asked for my help in the pursuit of justice, and a legislacerator should never turn their back on upholding the law!”

You shrug. “Okay, sure. Just keep it professional and I'm sure things will be fine.”

Terezi whacks her cane against an endtable and resumes her pacing.

“The words 'professional' and 'Vriska Serket' do not belong in the same sentence, Dave!” She's starting to look genuinely distressed. “They don't even belong in the same paragraph, or the same book!”

Wow, okay, you have had enough of this bullshit. You jump down, landing behind her with a soft thump, and she whirls around to face him. You put a hand out to catch the cane in case she tries to hit you as well (she doesn't, thank god), and you reach out your other hand and rest it firmly on her cheek.

“Shoosh,” you say firmly. “What's done is done, and you're not going to change it by worrying.”

Terezi stands stiff for a moment, and you have a feeling you're going to have to drag her to the nearest rope-and-scalemate pile, but then she relaxes, leaning into your touch.

“Yeah, sorry. You're right.”

“Of course I'm right, I'm Dave motherfuckin' Pyrope. I have never been wrong in my life.”

Terezi chuckles weakly. “Sure thing, coolkid, and what about that time you thought the apple juice was going to kill you if you drank it?”

You brings up your other hand (you're pretty sure you're safe from cane-drubbings now) and lay a finger across her lips. “Shhhh. We do not speak of such a dark time.”

Terezi attempts to keep a straight face, but delves into giggles, her black lips stretching into a grin behind your pale finger.

“Yeah, sure,” you reply, grinning. “So, do I get to tag along on this extravaganza, or do you think you can control the spiderbitch all by yourself?”

Terezi huffs, taking your hands in a vice-like grip and dragging him over to the oblong resting device. You happily drop into her lap, wrapping your arms around her shoulders like the most dramatic of lowblood romcom protagonists. “Oh, Terezi-sama!” you cry, kicking up a leg (toes pointed, of course, you don't half ass this shit) and leaning backwards to stretch yourself across her lap. “Save me, please! I am awash in my own emotions!”

The two of you have maybe three seconds before you break the serious facade and dissolve into giggles. It's good to be able to make her laugh like this, and your chest feels a bit warm and fuzzy. It's sort of like how you felt when you get Rose to crack her chilly facade, but ... still different, somehow. Terezi's a great moirail, and you're just lucky that she doesn't mind that you're hornless and pink.

“So, Neophyte,” you ask, “shall we go to work?”

Terezi grins at you, all pointed teeth and deadly enthusiasm.

“Yes, Secreterrorist, I believe we will.”

* * *

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has started trolling ghostlyTrickster [GT] ! --

TG: yo  
GT: hello? do i know you?  
TG: nah  
TG: my names dave pyrope  
TG: im sure its a pleasure for you  
TG: meeting the great and amazing dave  
TG: and im sorry to break your heart but no i will not sign your panties  
GT: are you always this weird????????  
TG: usually more so  
TG: wanted to get my talk on  
TG: since i guess well be meeting soon  
GT: we will?  
TG: yeah  
TG: turns out your troll was talking to mine and they decided were gonna get to know each other better  
TG: i have been designated to be your grubsitter  
TG: congratulations  
GT: i don't need a grubsitter!  
TG: yeah i know  
TG: but tz thinks im lonely all out here in the forest by myself while she goes off and brings home bacon and shit  
TG: and apparently your troll does the same so they figured  
TG: lets put the humans in the same room while we go off and have fun  
TG: itll be a time  
TG: so whataya say ghostly  
TG: wanna hang with the big boys  
GT: my name's john, not ghostly!  
GT: and sure!  
GT: i don't see why not.  
TG: mother  
TG: fucking  
TG: fabulous  
TG: see you then john

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased trolling ghostlyTrickster [GT] ! --

GT: what the actual fuck.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Your name is Terezi Pyrope and you're not sure how you feel about this.

You and Dave are standing in front of Vriska's hive. You haven't been here for sweeps, not since before your 'accident' and you broke off your hatefriendship rather violently. Your moirail beside you fixes his large red shades, and you mimic the motion with your own meowbeast eye lenses.

You're wearing your old Flarping outfit, and the red and teal of Legislacerator Redglare gives you a sense of purpose that makes your central nervous column straighten as you rap your cane on the door smartly. You hear a slight scuffling from inside the hive and the door in front of you is thrown open, and you get a nose full of _blue._

Vriska, of course, is dressed as Marquise Mindfang, and you can smell the sharp raspberry of her boots under the blue, blue, blue of her coat and hat. Her strife specibus is equiped at her wrist, dice at the ready, and her sword is strapped to her side. There's a little human that also comes off as blue, but he's both a brighter and darker blue than the troll he's half hiding behind. “Why hello there, Mr Blueberry Surprise!” Terezi says with a wide grin down at the shorter human, and Dave shoves his hands in his pockets.

“'Sup, Ghostly,” he greets, and John scowls as Dave mimics your maniacal grin. They two of you look creepy as hell when you do that, and you know your postures are exactly the same, down to the head tilt. You totally haven't practiced in the mirror, nope.

“I'm John!” he tells you both, and you can almost hear the eight indignant shout poles at the end of his declaration. Yup, he's Vriska's.

“Come on in,” says Vriska, standing aside, and John stares at Dave for a long moment. You think that maybe leaving the humans alone for who knows how long is an awful idea, but your fears are waylaid when Dave opens his mouth again.

“You have a Grubbox? Maybe Cull of Duty?” he asks, and John lights up.

“Hell yeah! In this way!” John disappears into the hive and Dave nods at you and Vriska.

“I got this. You two go kick some ass.” With that, your moirail disappears into Vriska's hive with a confident, loping gait, following John. Vriska steps out onto the doorstep and shuts the door behind her, locking it. The key disappears into her Eight Ball fetch modus, and she turns to you. You catch a whiff of uncharacteristic hesitance.

“Terezi ...” she starts, but you hold up a hand.

“Enough of that, Marquise!” you interrupt. “The Cruelest Bar has allowed the Legislacerator to form an alliance with you only until the capture of the greater criminal known as the Germanium, and not a moment longer! This is a business arrangement, and nothing more!”

Vriska laughs, but there's still a hint of something sour underneath. “Very well, Redglare! Onwards to justice!” The two of you make your way out of the residential section, and you wave at a spot of dark almost-purple you know to be Equius as you pass his hive. He waves back and you smell the saltiness of sweat. Oh dear god. You move on a little faster.

It takes a while before you and Vriska reach the ocean, and Vriska's ship is waiting at the docks. The moment you step foot on deck, there's something fishy smelling about the deck, literally. You draw your swords from your cane.

“Reveal yourself in the name of the Cruelest Bar and His Honourable Tyranny!” you call, and Eridan steps out in full Flarp gear. You remember this, and you grin, readying yourself for a fight. “Orphaner Dualscar! It's been too long, and yet, not long enough! Why are you on the Marquise's ship?”

“Yeah, why are you on the Marquise's ship?” Vriska drawls behind you. A sniff of the air tells you that she's drawn her sword, and the faint _clack-clack-clack_ in the air tells you her dice are rolling in her palm.

“Ter?” Eridan asks, earfins flaring in surprise, before he settles down and smiles. His harpoon gun lowers. “Didn't know you were back in the game, welcome back. As for why I'm here, Mindfang and Dualscar have ... _unfinished business_.”

There's a beat of silence, and then you roll your eyes hard enough for both of them to hear. “I am the law in this establishment, and I say your unfinished business will stay unfinished until after the Marquise has fulfilled her commitment to Legislacerator Redglare. You, Orphaner, are trespassing. Off this ship before I haul you before His Honourable Tyranny! Off! Off!” You poke him in the back with the point of your blade until he scowls and allows you to escort him off Vriska's ship.

It's been a long time since you've been on Vriska's ship, but sailing comes back to you like it was yesterday, and the two of you unfurl sails and untie ropes and haul up the anchor. “Pleasure doing business with you, Orphaner!” you call as Vriska steers the ship away from the dock and towards open water. Eridan flips you off in return.

You return to the helm and sit on a random ledge, kicking your feet as you watch Vriska steer. “So, what happened between you and Eridan?” you ask.

“I left him stranded after he insulted John,” she replies, and you laugh.

“You really have turned into a lusus!” you cackle, and Vriska just smirks and agrees with you. “Humans are pretty fun to have, actually. I've had Dave for nearly a sweep now, and I really don't know what I did before.”

Vriska nods. “Do you love him?” she asks, and you take a moment. Love is a strange word; you don't think you've heard it before. The word describes strong protective feelings without any connection to a quadrant, or even friendship.

“No,” you reply after a long moment. “He's my moirail. I pity him.” Vriska makes a sound to indicate that she heard you.

“I love John,” she says. “It's both terrifying and the best thing I've done in a long time. I'm not his owner, or his master, but I really do feel like his lusus. It's something I think I've been missing.”

“It suits you,” you say seriously. And it does! This isn't the Vriska that blinded you, that killed Aradia, that tossed Tavros off that cliff. She's ... grown. Matured.

Vriska guides the ship into a harbour and drops the anchor. She turns to you and smiles, her hand on her sword. “Ready to go investigating, Legislacerator Redglare?” she asks.

You stand up and walk over to her, standing nearly chest to chest, and you stretch up on your toes to give her the reddest kiss you can. “I am, Marquise Mindfang,” you say, and you turn away from your shell shocked flushcrush and go to lower a rowboat.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit? Holy shit.

Your name is Dave Pyrope, and for a three and a half sweep old kid, John is surprisingly good at this game.

The Grubbox controller pulses in your hands when you squeeze it too tightly, fingers on the buttons as your Cull of Duty character (a rustblood with bitchin' backsweeping horns and a fightstyle to match) stabs an enemy in the back. John's character, a cerulean with corkscrew horns and a seemingly wild frontal assault, is tearing through NPCs and players alike with gleeful abandon. John lures people in by making himself seem like an easy target, a wiggler learning the game and having made the mistake of going on the Grubbox Live server instead of just playing against NPCs first, and then he takes them out with startling efficiency. Dave is more of a cloak-and-dagger player, sneaking up behind the other players to claim your kills, which makes people chatter in the online lobby angrily. TurntechGodhead and GhostlyTrickster are a duo everyone is learning to hate, and John and Dave laugh at the death threats and insults to their lusii from trolls (and probably a couple more humans) in the lobby.

And then someone else logs on.

The new person has somehow cracked the Cull of Duty programming to give their character an off spectrum shade of pink, and they come up on the screen as _TipsyGnostalic has entered the lobby_!

“Holy shit, Roxy?” you ask into your microphone incredulously. A distinctly feminine voice laughs.

“Davey? Hey, baby!” she returns. John gives you a look.  
  
“Sister,” you explain, a hand over your mic, and John nods. “How've you been, Roxy? Haven't heard from you in a while. I have to get my updates from Dirk.”

“Hi, Dave's sister!” John chirps.

“Oh, fuck, humans,” groans a troll under a handle GrinningGuile. “Fuck off your owners' handles and go fill a pail with your own blood.”

“Uh oh, you've done it now,” Roxy says.

_Ding!_ TwinArmageddons has entered the lobby!

“The fuck did you say about my auspictice?” asks Sollux. John rocks back into the couch and laughs.

“Hey, this makes eight of us!” he says. “This is obviously the perfect number. Let's do four versus four!”

“Sure,” you agree. “Ghostly, Tipsy, Twin, and me against you guys, since you're not content with just two of us kicking your asses.”

“Sounds good to me,” says DaringCrusader.

John looks over at you and you can't help but grin back, light glinting off your shades.

 

* * *

So you kick their asses.

As if that wasn't the obvious end to this challenge; between John's headfirst berserker “tactics” and both Roxy and her auspictee being crazy good snipers, their team basically dumps their holier-than-thou opponents in the waste disposal bin until they ragequit and log the fuck out. You put your hand out, fingers flat and palm pointed at the ceiling. John highfives you.

When you look out the window, you're surprised to see the pink sky of dawn colouring the horizon. “Shit,” you mutter, and you put the Grubbox controller down, standing up with a smooth movement. John looks up at you, mouth opening to make some sort of comment, you don't even know, but he closes his jaw again when he sees the expression on your face. You're not sure how much of said expression he's actually seeing, considering your shades are just this side of too big to comfortably fit on your face, but he doesn't stop you when you walk over to the window, staring pensively at the horizon.

“... What's up?” John asks, coming up behind you. You can hear his footsteps. There's nothing wrong with your eyes, but Terezi's been teaching you to see with your other senses as well. You're just as aware of what's going on behind you as you are what's out the window. You can see some highblood's hive on the cliff. Someone named Zahhak, maybe? You see someone sitting on the deck, swinging their feet over the edge. That's kinda fearless of them; you approve.

“It's almost dawn,” you say. John makes a noise, not comprehending. “Terezi and Vriska aren't back.” Another noise. “Trolls can't stand sunlight like we can, John.”

“Oh.” Yeah, _oh_. Now he's as worried as you are. “But they'll be fine! Vriska is the best, nothing will happen to her!”

“Someone's got a bit of hero-worship going on,” you drawl. John huffs and you turn around just in time to see him cross his arms petulantly. D'aw, cute. You suppress the desire to ruffle his hair, just to see how pissed off he gets.

“Shut up,” he grumbles.

“Ah, yes. So articulate. I have been miraculously incapable of coming up with some witty retort to your flawless logic and impenetrably argument. You're the master, it's you.” You push your shades up the bridge of your nose with a finger. “C'mon, Captain Defensive, it's probably coon time for both of us.”

John bites his lip. “Where are you gonna sleep, though?”

You wave to the couch, and that seems to assuage any concerns he has, because he nods and heads up the stairs to (you assume) get ready to sleep.

You make your way to the nutriblock and draw yourself a glass of water, listening as John putters around upstairs. You lean on the counter and sip slowly, examining the tiling of the sink's backsplash. It's a nice hive, a bit nicer than Terezi's, but considering the caste difference between your moirail and Vriska, you're not really surprised. She doesn't seem to be a complete bitch to John, no matter how much her arachnid tendencies put you on edge. You expect to find spiderwebs in the cupboards, but the hive is a bit too clean for that. What a weird troll.

“Dave! I'm going to coon!” John calls from the top of the stairs.

“Cool,” you return, and you listen to his footsteps recede.

You should sleep, too. You know you should sleep; sleeping is important.

You stand at the window and watch the sun rise through your shades instead.

 


End file.
